Sentence Now; Verdict Later.

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The scene opens to many old people sitting around various mismatched tables and chairs. Some should be playing chess, others reading, some knitting, ect. DAVE sits at a table with BEATRICE and HERMAN. DAVE wears a top hat and an oddly-patterned bowtie, in an attempt to relive his glory days; he also fiddles with a stack of cards. HERMAN sits across from him, his pants hiked abnormally high with suspenders that seem rather useless. He is taking apart a newspaper and putting it in some sort of order. BEATRICE sits with many, many balls of yarn in front of her, each one with a set of knitting needles and a knitting project started stabbed into it. One sits in her lap as she knits away. JEFFERY sits at a table by himself, with a chessboard and pieces set up in front of him. He moves a white piece, then gets up very slowly and hobbles his way over to the other end of the table to move a black one, and keeps repeating. A sign saying “Bellavue Nursing Home for the Mentally Disabled” should be somewhere on the stage.



DAVE

What’re you making now, Beatrice?

BEATRICE

Oh, I never know anymore. I’m sure this one was a scarf, though. (Looks back to table filled with yarn balls.) Or maybe that was the blue one…maybe this one’s a blanket?

HERMAN

Shame you can’t remember. Maybe you should label them. (Picks up label maker from table) I can show you how to work it, if you want.

BEATRICE

I won’t remember how. (Pauses and zones out) What was I talking about?

HERMAN

You were knitting.

BEATRICE

Right. Was this a scarf? Or a blanket?

HERMAN

Neither.

BEATRICE

Oh. What was I making, then?

HERMAN

Well, I’m not quite sure, you were talking about a do—

DAVE

(Cuts of Herman)

Did I ever tell you two about the time I cut a woman in half?

BEATRICE

Ohhh! I love your stories. I don’t think I’ve heard that one. Do tell us.

DAVE

(Straightens bowtie and top hat)

Well, it was about 1942, and I was at the peak of my career. My show was sold out on that Mississippi stage. Beautiful girl, freckles on her face, came up to me before the show and told me to chop her in two. And I did. The crowd cheered and threw flowers. Darn tootin’ night, really.

HERMAN

You should sort all those stories you have.

BEATRICE

Lovely story, Dave.

(A stomp, followed by shuffling is heard off stage. Beatrice, Herman and Dave all look. After more stomps and shuffling, Jeffery stops his game with himself and looks upward, then at the three at the table.)

JEFFERY

(Yells)

Did you hear that?!

HERMAN

Yeah, it’s just Leonard again.

JEFFERY

(Still yelling)

What?

HERMAN

Huh?

JEFFERY

(Yells)

WHAT?

DAVE

What’re we talking about?

BEATRICE

(Looks down)

I never know anymore. I never know anything anymore.

HERMAN

Jeffery forgot to turn up his hearing aid. Again. Unorganized old fart.

BEATRICE

(Throws ball of yarn at Herman)

Be nice!

(More stomping and shuffling comes from off stage)

DAVE

Hey, Herman.

HERMAN

Yeah?

DAVE

I betcha old Leonard’s gonna fall down the stairs again today.

HERMAN

I bet you he’ll make it down the first three.

DAVE

How much?

HERMAN

Five dollars.

DAVE

Crisp ones?

HERMAN

I would have nothing less.

DAVE

It’s a bet.

(More shuffling, more stomps)

LEONARD

(From off stage)

I’M GONNA DO THIS STAIR THING TODAY, I TELL YA.

BEATRICE

You’d think that poor man would figure it out already.

(Zones out again, then comes out of her reverie and picks up another ball of yarn and starts working on it.)

DAVE

(Yells)

Leonard, ya old fart! You aren’t gonna get down them things!

HERMAN

(Yells)

No, no! Try, Leonard, ol’ buddy! You can do it!

DAVE

No, ya can’t!

HERMAN

(Throws ball of yarn at Dave)

Yer cheatin’!

DAVE

(Throws ball of yarn at Herman.)

Shut yer trap, ya old fart!

HERMAN

(Throws ball back.)

I ain’t an old fart! That’s you!

BEATRICE

Children. I live with children.

(Zones out, then picks up another ball of yarn and starts working on it.)

DAVE

Did I ever tell ya the time I cut a woman in half?

BEATRICE

Oh, I love your stories! I haven’t! Do tell us.

DAVE

(Herman rolls his eyes.)

Well, it was 1942. Peak of my career. Was in New York City, playin’ a big stage. Ugliest woman I ever seen walks up. Was kind of happy to be cuttin’ her in half. She looked like the wrong end of a dog. Smelled like one, too. My show made the headlines and all, it was wonderful.

LEONARD

(Comes into view and looks down at stairs)

Oh, oh. There you are, you tantalizing beasts. I will conquer you. My kingdom for a flight of stairs. (Begins mumbling incoherently.)

(Dave, Beatrice and Herman watch as Leonard descends the stairs. Beatrice then stops looking, looks around confused, then takes another ball of yarn off the table and works on it.)

DAVE

(Looks at Leonard in amazement.)

Well butter my butt and call me a biscuit.

HERMAN

He’s actually doing it.

LEONARD

(Makes it past the last few steps with his walker.)

I DID IT. I HAVE CONQUERED THE STAIRS.

(Raises arms in air in victory, then falls over.) Son of a beaver.

HERMAN

(Looks at Leonard, then back at Dave.)

Pay up.

DAVE

(Looks through pockets, then comes to the realization that he hasn’t had cash in ages. He smiles widely and wickedly, then looks at Beatrice.)

Did I ever tell you about the time I cut a woman in half?

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I think the formatting killed itself. Ohwell.

Anywayy.
Questions:
1. I kind of wanted to do more with Jeffery, any ideas?
2. What parts, if any were funny to you?